The Tri-County Journal
& Chattahoochee Chronicle
PO Box 850, 71 Webb Lane
Buena Vista, GA 31803
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Learn their language
Greg Hunter
Vice President,
Public Affairs,
Ga. Family Council
Which of the five things below communicate(s) most clearly that someone loves you?
* A warm hug or squeeze of your hand.
* Kind words or compliments.
* Presents - gifts large or small.
* Time spent in a shared experience.
* Favors done to serve you.
OK, maybe they all sound good to you right now. But if you could select only one that is your favorite way to receive the expression of love, which would it be? It's all about "love languages" - which refer to the way each of us prefers to communicate and receive love.
Dr. Gary Chapman and several co-authors have written a series of books that challenge readers to consider their loved ones' preferred method of being shown love, then tapping into that to deepen the relationship and sense of closeness with that person, whether spouse, child or good friend.
The books are not brand new although their ideas may be new to many. (They were written between 1995 - 2006 and cover topics such as "The Five Love Languages," "The Five Love Languages of Children," and "The Five Languages of Apology.")
Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell encourage readers to think of their spouse's or children's hearts as tanks that need to be kept full for maximum contentment and well-being. The more you are able to speak their love language, the more secure your loved ones feel in your love, which actually helps them thrive in other areas of their lives.
But not everyone is the same. In fact, the love language we speak may be as different as Spanish and Chinese.
Think about couples who struggle perpetually in their relationship - and we all have struggles. But for some couples it's harder because they speak a different love language from their spouse, and they don't even realize that's a big part of the problem.
Say a husband's primary love language is physical touch, and his wife's is acts of service. The husband seeks affection and "cuddle time" to show his wife he loves her, while she shows her love by taking care of details for him, like picking up his dry cleaning or preparing his favorite meal. But when they speak their own love language to their spouse, the message often goes unheard or unappreciated.
The disconnect here is like a husband speaking Spanish to his wife, who only speaks Chinese. She speaks Chinese back to him, but he only understands Spanish, so the message is lost. What the couple needs to do is identify each other's love language - the things I do that make my wife feel truly loved - and learn to speak it well to fill up their emotional tank. So, while the husband is wrapping his arms around his wife for a hug, she's thinking, "I wish he'd help me clean up this kitchen. He doesn't appreciate me and all he wants is our physical relationship." At the same time, he feels spurned by her and thinks, "Why is she always cleaning up? I wish she'd stop fussing about the house and take time to show me the physical affection I desire - maybe she's not even attracted to me anymore!" Each member of this couple is trying to show love in a way they understand it but is lost on the other person.
For some, particularly men, the work of understanding your spouse, then investing time and energy speaking their love language is daunting.
Consider the husband who says to his wife: "I told you on the day I married you that I loved you. I'll let you know if I change my mind."
First, I pity the wife. Second, the type of person who would make this comment may believe that regular expressions of love are not important, or
Chapman and Campbell tell the story of a boy named Ben whose behavior had become almost antisocial. He had begun to visit his teacher's desk after class instruction, saying he didn't understand the lesson - sometimes up to eight times a day. When the teacher visited the lunchroom to sit with her students, Ben would push other children out of the way so he could be near her.
To keep the story short, I'll cut to the chase. After discussion with the parents, Dr. Chapman discovered that both parents had become busier, with the mom increasing her work schedule from part to full time. They had each given up chunks of time and activities they previously had done with Ben.
It became clear that the boy's "love tank" was empty, and he was seeking his teacher's attention to fill it back up again. When Ben's parents began to carve out time to speak Ben's love language - meaningful time - his behavior at school began to turn around immediately.
Sometimes it's hard to discern which is your child's primary love language. You may be able to tell just by watching. You'll see that when they feel like expressing love they default to what is most meaningful to them, whether giving you gift, cleaning up a messy room, cuddling or expressing their love verbally. Other times, it's as simple as asking.
I have tried this with my own children. My eight-year-old son is definitely a "meaningful time" person. I have asked him on several occasions, "How do you know your dad loves you?"
He has given different answers a few times, but the most common one is: "Because you play with me."
Just by me pretending to be a Lego character for a few minutes, or playing basketball in the driveway on a Saturday, my eight-year-old becomes more convinced of his daddy's love.
You can also tell a lot by what your kids ask for. It might be: "Will you play with me?" or "Can I sit on your lap?" When he was younger, my older son went through a phase for a few months when he asked, "Do you love me?" several times a day. To him, at that time, a verbal expression of love and affirmation is what he needed to fill up his love tank.
It will take some work, but learning to speak the love language of the people you care about will reap lasting rewards, for you and your loved ones.