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What do children think about marriage?
By Randy Hicks, President of Georgia Family Council Children are impressionable. From the moment they develop cognitive abilities they are taking in the world around them and drawing conclusions about what they're seeing and experiencing. Naturally, one of the first things they observe and develop opinions about is the most important relationship in their home - their parents' marriage.
A few months ago someone sent me a list of answers that children gave to questions that had been posed to them about marriage. Perhaps you've seen some or all of these humorous answers, but I think you'll recognize the impressionableness I'm talking about.
Question: How do you decide who to marry?
Q: What is the right age to marry?
A: No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. (Freddy, age 6)
Q: How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
A: You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. (Derrick, age 8)
Q: What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
A: Both don't want any more kids. (Lori, age 8)
Q: When is it okay to kiss someone?
A: When they're rich. (Pam, age 7)
Q: Is it better to be single or married?
A: It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. (Anita, age 9)
Q: How would you make a marriage work?
A: Tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. (Ricky, age 10)
The point is that kids start reaching conclusions about relationships and marriage by watching their parents. So we need to ask ourselves a question: If our child was to draw a picture of marriage based on what he saw of ours, what would it look like?
In many ways, when you clearly understand the marriage you want to model for your children you also more clearly understand what your marriage ought to be. This shouldn't surprise anyone. We often make positive changes in our lives because of what we want our kids to see.
I have a good friend who had been smoking for most of his adult life. When his children arrived he kept smoking even though he wanted to quit.
He finally was successful in quitting when his oldest was about 8 years old. Why? One day his son turned to him and said, "I can't wait until I'm older like you...because then I'll be able to smoke."
My friend quit that day, cold turkey. He was able to overcome his addictive behavior because he desired something better for his son. His desire to be a good role model helped him change his own behavior and, at the same time, influence the behavior of his son later in life. Kind of a two-for-one deal.
That's what thinking about providing a positive marriage-model for your child can do for you. And it will benefit both your child and your marriage.
Please notice that I did not say modeling a perfect marriage. A perfect marriage does not exist. In fact, a healthy marriage begins with the acknowledgment that our marriages cannot be perfect and we must, therefore, develop the habits and virtues that allow us to overcome the inherent imperfections that come with being married.
Understand that "modeling a healthy marriage" could be the subject of a dictionary-sized book, so I want to draw from some reading I've done and experiences I've had to offer what I consider to be four important ingredients in modeling a healthy marriage.
Communicate: Your kids need to see you and your spouse talking with each other about matters both great and small. While they don't need to hear you talking about everything - there's an age-appropriateness factor that needs to be considered - they do need to observe you planning, compromising, thanking, apologizing and joking. They need to see you discussing both trivial matters (like what to watch on T.V. or where to eat) and very important matters (like job opportunities and saving for college.) Naturally, there are many things that should be discussed behind closed doors when the kids aren't present.
Resolve conflict: Your kids don't need to hear you working through major disagreements or hurts in their presence. But there are many times when our children observe a parental disagreement but not the negotiation, compromise and, when necessary, apology that come with resolving disagreements and keeping a relationship healthy. Just witnessing one parent say "I'm sorry" to another - followed by "I forgive you" - creates a meaningful impression on a child because it allows them to see that people can disagree and still love each other. Conflict resolution is a huge marital issue and, when not learned, is often the very thing that upends a marriage.
Show affection: It's okay to express affection to your spouse with your kids present, obviously, within reason. A hug, a kiss, holding hands...all of these things communicate closeness and a bond that kids will want to emulate. Moreover, in spite of their cries of "gross!" I believe kids derive a sense of security from seeing their parents embrace and say, "I love you."
Set aside time for one another: Gregory Keer, a syndicated columnist who writes on family issues, says, "Children need to know that mom and dad have a relationship with one another, not just with them. They should see that it's ok for parents to be apart from the kids on a consistent basis so they know for themselves that, at the center of successful families is a successful partnership." Seeing you make your marriage a priority will help your children understand what marriage will require of them someday.
You will notice that each of these will benefit your children as they grow and think about what marriage might be for them. But they will also serve to remind you and your spouse of what it takes to have the marriage you long for - a marriage that's characterized by authentic communication, affection and security.
Georgia Family Council is a non-profit organization that works to strengthen and defend the family in Georgia by impacting communities, shaping laws and influencing culture. For more information, go to www.georgiafamily.org, (770) 242-0001, gregg@gafam.org.